I've entered myself into a tournament on the gore_sportscommunity. And I must win. They've made me a 16 seed, which is the lowest possible seeding you can get. And my 1st round opponent is the Burger King mascot -- The Burger King. How appropriate is this matchup. The man that poisons our youth vs. the man that endorses strict exercise and vitamins. But more importantly, he doesn't want to win the War on Terror. But his disciples are strong and many. That's why I need YOU to join the gore sports community and vote for me. I think the vote is currently 17-15 life-lovers. So it is a close dogfight.
I know most people celebrate my b-day on the 4th (thanks to my iconic service in the Vietnam documentary Born on the Fourth of July,) so I wanted to throw out a little warning. Celebrate, but be CAREFUL. Fireworks are dangerous, but there is something even more dangerous... Brooke Shields' acting. Oh I kidd around too much.
Seriously. Hey, I said seriously. All right, get that belly laugh out of your system.
But the real danger is alcohol. And one of my superfans has chosen the wrong way to celebrate my incredible, unforgettable entrance into this world. Follow the link provided, and follow me in my journey to educate this troubled young man. I always give on my birthday, and this year is no different.
My thoughts: -Keith Urban reeked of alcohol and ritalin. -I was late getting backstage because it took me ten minutes to walk around Jennifer Hudson. Presumably named after the Bay in which she left a ring around. ZING! -That Allen guy was a pretty good host, but he really should have worn a tie. -I went to pull Peter O'Toole's eyelids down but, as it turns out, he was still alive. -I mistakenly gave Eddie Murphy the keys to my car. With that jacket I thought for sure he was a valet. Nevertheless, he was honored and parked the car. -More mishaps, as I told Meryl Streep that the restroom needed more cakes in the urinals. Boy did she look like crap. -I saw Philip Seymour Hoffman backstage. He was rather shaken. I found out he was still scared after I handed him his fat ass in MI3. My acting was so powerful, so terrifying that he is still a wreck today. -Jack Nicholson thanked me for putting him on the map with A Few Good Men. What a great guy.
I'll try to update more, but running my own studio (which you can read about here) is really taking its toll. I only managed to do like 350 push ups yesterday because of all the work. Some bitch secretary actually served us caffeinated coffee. After I gave her a 20 minute presentation on the dangers of caffeine and how it leads to Parkinson's Disease (including a cameo from Michael J. Fox who hadn't taken his medicine in 3 days per my request because I foresaw this event arising), I fired her and revoked her Tom pension. And then one of my actresses thought that her Tom Medical Insurance Plan would cover her drug addiction to Zoloft. WRONG! We've got her in Narconon now.
Halloween was a lot of fun. I dressed as myself during my high school years. Luckily, I'm still boyish enough to pull it off. Anyway, I just love passing out protein bars and capsules of cod liver oil to the kids. They were all left speechless at the offer. Some even refused to take the treats. They didn't feel worthy; self esteem is such a problem these days for our youth. Of course some kid had to spoil the fun by dressing as Matt Lauer, including a bald spot and an emaciated body. It was good time though!
Oh yeah, I resurrected United Artists and I'm its studio head.
You know, it's funny. I walk into the grocery store today. People stare long and hard at me. They know it's me, Tom Cruise. These days, people are really shy and don't like talking to strangers. So I pick out some tomatoes and notice these people try to muster the courage to ask if I'm... uh, you know. Then I pick the loveliest tomato up with both of my hands, look at the curious people and say, "I LOVE THIS TOMATO!" Usual dialog that follows: "Oh, I thought you were Tom Cruise!" "Yeah, I get that a lot. People think I'm crazy!" "Yep, that guy's a kook." "Oh I know, he jumped on a couch! He must be crazy." "See ya around." *As they walk off, I flip them off*
The funniest part is when I walk into a psychiatrist's office, take a seat and read a tabloid with my picture on the cover. People stare and then I look at them like this:
We are fighting to save the Blog of Doom. Go here http://rspwfaq.livejournal.com/418164.html?page=2 and contribute a joke, a story, a youtube clip, a photo, memories from the blog of doom, anything you want. Just contribute. You don't even have to know anything about the blog of doom just go there and pledge a certain number of posts and let's keep the blog alive. Hell yeah! Love life!
Paramount is in shambles. Brad Grey, a guy I used to like, was going to change the studio around when he signed on a year and a half ago. I was taking care of my end but the studio was in chaos. And Brad Grey never had the guts to take command. He let old man Sumner Redstone undermine him and regulate him to lacky-status. You can't let that happen. I remember when Val Kilmer walked onto the Top Gun set thinking that it was his film. I walked across the set and, let's just say, I put Fredo in his place. Brad Grey never could do that. I pity the man, really. He let Redstone, a guy that hasn't taken a crap in 4 years, run all over him. Redstone should have retired to Rancho del Cielo a long time ago. I guess he'll hire fellow senior citizen Harrison Ford to star in his action movies now. He never liked the young, boyish me. I was reckless for venturing into the dangerzone, and enlisting in the Marines and heading off to Vietnam. I wasn't your typical star. I'm still the biggest star in the world. Love life, fans.
After all the money I brought them. All the goodwill, all the vitamins, they stab me in the back with the golden dagger I afforded them. What are they thinking? That they can continue on without me? Who's going to pick you up when the next Elizabethtown and Coach Carter bomb? Not me. Cameron Crowe can't survive without me. Paramount can't survive without me.
Does anybody remember Transformers: The Movie? Remember how Starscream thought he could just dump Megatron and take the throne? Remember what happened to Starscream? Here's a reminder:
Galvatron = Tom Cruise Starscream = Brad Grey
They thought I was pissed during the making of Collateral. I merely tapped into the pissed off portion of my soul. You people thought I was rough on Brooke Shields... nothing, NOTHING like what will happen to Paramount. (But you have to understand, I really care about Brooke Shields.) But I don't give a damn about Paramount. What kind of message does this send to people? I use my celebrity to speak out against drugs and show my love & excitement for Katie and I lose my production partner because of it? ? This is a wicked world, man. I guess Brad Grey wants to dig up Pope John Paul II and cremate him too. That would almost be the equivalent to cutting ties with me.
But it's cool. Paramount didn't make Tom Cruise, Tom Cruise made Paramount.
Hi everybody! Sorry I haven't posted in a while but time flies when you're loving life. It flies like I flew when I shot down those three, 3!, Soviet MiGs compared to the meager 1 that Iceman shot down. I mean, I was in the zone man. The dangerzone. I was ready to fly into Moscow, drop a payload, parachute onto the Kremlin, clean that red wine stain off of Gorbachev's head, and end the Cold War right there, man. I was doing it for Goose and Gerald & Lita Ford and Ozzie Smith and Michael Landon and Larry King and Pee Wee Reese and Jesse "The Reverend" Jackson and Pope John Paul I (not the II but the I) and Richard Lester and Art Garfunkel and Pete Rose and John Romita Sr and Pistol Pete Maravich and Jackie Robinson and Margaret Thatcher and Jimmy Page and Warren Moon and Norman Smiley and Bob Hawke and Spider-Man and Lesley Visser, but Ronny called the Maverick off and the Cold War continued.
Anyway, I took Suri to Will Smith's kid's birthday party. It was kind of a cheap little party, but hey, it was thrown by a B-list actor. His kid got a motorized car, a PSP, iPod, and some other silly stuff, but when my present arrived it was a dream come true for the Fresh Prince's kid. A lifetime supply of Flintstone's vitamins!
I was looking through my family album, Tom pictures vol. 6, and saw a picture of my brother and me. My brother has been missing since December 12, 1988. I was supposed visit him on Christmas but I traveled to Vietnam and was unable to do so and I sort of forgot about him. Please look at the photo and help if you can.
I feel really bad about this whole Israel/Hezbollah thing. Apparently this hatred started in the pre-Tom era with the formation of the State of Israel on land disputed by the Arabs. Many wars broke out between the Israelis and Arabs UNTIL... the release of Top Gun in 1986. Israel was so comforted by my securing presence in the sky that they withdrew from Lebanon in the same year. A coincidence some say. As for me, I don't believe in coincidences. Relative peace stood in the region until one week ago WHEN...
M:I:3 stopped playing in Lebanon. With a long wait for the DVD ahead, the seeds for unrest were planted. Minutes after the last showing in Lebanon, rockets were fired into Israel (M:I:3 is still playing in Israel.) My greatest fears were realized when I saw this image:
She's at home with her family. Suri is three months old! Did I miss a memo or something? Are Kate and I supposed to try to gain any added celebrity by brandishing are baby in front of the cameras? Maybe dangle her from a balcony? How about we sell photos of our newborn to support a drug habit like Brad and Angelina? Maybe I'll let Suri chauffeur me around town ala Britney. That's exactly what the corrupt media wants, but there's one problem, I ain't playin'.
You see, we are good parents. Suri was made out of Tom Love, not for any celebrity purposes. I would never use my personal life for gain in the public eye. I noticed Nick Lachey is trying to rekindle his fame by selling an album full of songs that relate to his fallen relationship with Jessica Simpson. What a creep. Not only is he a cradle robber but he is using his relationship to further his career. Disgusting.
Suri is doing great by the way. She just finished reading a research paper on the dangers of vitamin deficiency. I couldn't be prouder. Love life, man.
Wow! M:I:3 just broke the $400 million mark domestically, with international figures to large to count. I just want to say thanks to all my fans for going to see this movie, I know you enjoyed it and I enjoyed making it for you. Love life, everyone.
Wow, 44 years old. Let me tell you, I'm still appreciating life as much as I was at 24. Unlike most others, I don't receive presents on my birthday, I give them. This morning Katie brought in a troubled teenage mother hooked on anti-depressants and Adam Sandler movies. By afternoon she was back to enjoying life, enjoying sharing her time with her young son. I went down to BestBuy and grabbed Brooke Shields' last few movies out of the $1 bargain bin and showed them to her. She saw that anti-psychotic drugs were not the way to go. You see, these are the things that make birthdays all the worthwhile for me. It's not about what I can get, but what I can give. At 44, I've learned so much in life and been given so much, and now I share it with others. To me that is what birthdays are all about. Love life, friends.
And it seems a lot of people are shooting off firecrackers to celebrate my birthday. It has sort of become a tradition. I just want to say thanks but be careful.
Japanese Prime Minister Koizumi stopped by for dinner last night, and let me tell you, he cooks a mean hamburger. I'm telling you, I could taste the vitamin B in those burgers. The Prime Minster and I are old friends going back to the Last Samurai. You see, with this picture...
I got the Prime Minister reelected on Cruise Control. I knew him to be a charismatic and very intelligent man so I wanted to help him. We also sang Elvis together long before he and President Bush did. The President really needs to do his own thing and stop trying to be like me. Singing with the Prime Minister and landing on aircraft carriers? Does he think he knows the Danger Zone?
Everybody else has a review so the biggest movie star in the world should do one too. I'll warn of the spoilers beforehand so no worries. Here's nice rambling review.
This movie was alright. It was okay. It was another Bryan Singer film. Bryan Singer is the master of making movies that are above average but fall short of greatness. He does it again here with Superman Returns.
There were times during this film when I looked around the theatre and my fellow moviegoers really seemed disinterested and restless. I had already seen the film last month at a special screening in Toronto littered with diehard Superfans. The Superfans clapped and cheered throughout the movie but regular people... just sit there. If not for the humorous moments of Jimmy Olsen I'd have thought I was alone in the theatre. The scenes that bridged the action and excitement were, at times, bland. It's a terrible thing to sit in a theatre packed with silent people.
I think the commercials and trailers really gave away too much of the film. The bullet to the eye should never have been shown for free. That's the kind of thing people go home and tell their friends about, "Man, Superman got shot in the eye and it just flattened and bounced off!" "Oh yeah, I saw that during the 12 o'clock Sportscenter." About 75 percent of the action in this film was already encapsulated in the tv spots. ** SPOILERS, sort of ** For example, the shuttle piggybacking on the 777. We know the flight is doomed, we've already seen Superman chasing after the burning plane a thousand times in the promos.
Brandon Routh is officially Superman/Clark Kent. The deal was sealed by his uncanny ability to regain his spit-curl mere moments after being soaked under, I don't know, a thousand tons of water. That's super-esque. BR did a superb job and really exceeded all expectations. "Expectations are the root of all heartache," Shakespeare wrote. And it's probably what made the movie dull to some viewers. To be honest, I was expecting more. I looking forward to finding the little intricacies that first viewings miss, but instead I just found flaws. Don't get me WRONG!, I still enjoyed the movie greatly, but not as much as I had anticipated.
**SPOILERS**
From the time Superman throws New Krypton into space the movie is not very good, save the last shot of Superman circling the Earth. This is really where 10-15 minutes could have been chopped off. The whole hospital thing just isn't very appealing. Seeing Lois Lane leaving the hospital to the flashing cameras of the paparazzi did not seem right. Poor Ma Kent on the street with the other onlookers was a nice touch. The KID was not an intrusion in this film at all, he was actually quite good, but he gives me nightmares about future films. He has got to go, first thing next movie.
Kevin Spacey was magnificent as Lex Luthor. He really got this movie off to a good start with the scene at the mansion. Finishing the old lady's signature, giving the little girl the toupee, all brilliant stuff. I was reveling in this stuff, really enjoying his performance. The beat down on Superman was really well-done. I thought they should have gone the whole way and hanged Supes to a cross with kryptonite nails, THEN the wound to his side.
The whole situation with Lois, Richard and Jason is just begging for Superman to get a dose of Red Kryptonite. That would be very interesting.
** End of SPOILERS **
This movie was good. A 7.8 out of 10. If you watch with realistic expectations then a 8.5/10. Very enjoyable.
Same ol' same ol' in my life. Prevented a few suicides, handed out vitamins to starving people, did a few barrel rolls in my vintage WWII fighter plane, and jumped on the couch for a few hours; you know, standard daily fare.
But the big news is... Lex Luthor hijacked Superman's website!
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